First 5 days

Becoming a mother for the first time has a poetic pain to it. Poetry is beautiful and full of emotion but it often brings to the fore the reality of your experience. The journey, experience and destination were all poetry i couldn’t justly express even with all the words in the world.
While there is the constant barrage of society’s expectations of what it should be like. It really is a personal journey of discovery, of pain and confusion and of the most intense joy and love ever experienced. That was me at least. I don’t think any advice or wisdom fully prepares you for any of it, (which is strange because EVERYONE wants to give you advice during pregnancy) but somehow you tumble through the first few days and come out on top, a little scarred but wiser, stronger, and more capable than you could have ever imagined. While i may never be able to give you a full view of my experience with all the scars and joy – this is a glimpse into some of it.

The first five days…

TIRED…and pretty ugly

I think the entire world is exhausted. Yes, everyone on the planet is drained.
The corona virus has jerked us into slow motion. But…we weren’t ready for it. We went on this journey of awe and confusion at the impact that a single virus was having on the whole world as we were locked away from everything that was normal. We then moved to fear, because people were dying, relatives and friends were being diagnosed and shit was getting real. And then we got over it and started feeling the impact on our country, our own personal financial situations, the fact that travel and normal life were looking like things of the past. And now – we’re exhausted.
It’s like we’ve been in a washing machine, swirled around in what many explained as a ‘cleansing’ and now we’re standing… wet and sore and tired.

Broken hearts and subtle arts

Its day 76 on the island and I finally feel like I can begin to unpack my brain and heart and write. Its been such an incredible journey and mind-blowing at how much I’ve soaked up and learnt in such a short space of time. 
I’ve been trying to write for a few weeks and my common excuse when friends asked where the next post was…is simply;  “I cant write anymore, I’m happy now.” The reality is that every single past post was based on extreme emotions. As I go back and read through them (which I often do) I can remember exactly who was a part or my life or who had left my life or what the struggle was at the exact moment of each post. My writing became an outlet for my emotional turmoil. And now…my life is pretty turmoil free and my heart is light. But…. apparently, my blogs are not about me or for me, (LOL) so let me get through it and hopefully get your hearts lighter.

Reality kinda love

“I told him my biggest secret and he told me four. He smiled and me said…that makes me love you more.
And then he made me laugh, and i knew it was a sign – that he was the man – that i wanted in my life. “
India Arie – He heals Me

I’ve had a fun love life…fun in that it involved a lot of entertainment. I’ve shared some of those stories along the blogging journey but despite each of the ‘frogs’ of the past, I regret nothing. Each relationship has prepared me for who I am right now. For the love I express and receive and the way HE is perfectly created for me – life has allowed for this to be so. I feel like this blog post is so simple and I could probably sum up how I feel in a single line (or two) … but what’s the fun in that?!

Emma…keep your magic!

My current cycle has also brought me to a new stage in love – it’s wonderful and great and fuzzy and ya ya ya…and I’m certain that this is the man I’m supposed to be with forever, but it doesn’t mean that because of that certainty that it’s all perfection. It comes with the mess of two different people understanding and learning how to cope together, it comes with the merging of two families and varied upbringing and expectation – it comes with emotional change and then…I fail to cope. Even more hopeless.

So what I have now is a mess of emotions, a struggle of newness and the realization that I am blessed…strangely contradictory because I do acknowledge my blessings, but it’s easier to cry and feel as though the world is failing me. The MOST hopeless!

“Curiosity, Bravery, Faith and entertainment….” “Troy Griffin”

It’s been six months since my last blog post and it feels as though I have managed to stuff a whole lot of magic into such a short space of time. I turned 30 and it’s been amazing, nothing close to the frightening life changing experience I expected, instead it’s a refreshing time of achieving goals, working hard and living my best life… Yes, the most cliché’d cliché ever.

“You had me at hello….” Jerry Maguire

How much fun is life? You grow up,soak up everything around you, you learn to walk, run and speak and then you go on to get an education, you learn about social behavior and love and heartbreak and then you get this moment between growing up and well…death and you stand around and watch. It’s like a movie of your life…with you as the main actor.

2016…New Year, New Me? Idiot!

I’ve never been big on new years resolutions I never do well with calculated social targets. I’ve lived most of my life at a YOLO pace where today happens and tomorrow will generally sort itself out. So every time the new year comes, I’m one of those “let’s wait and see what these idiots plan on changing for the first four months of the year.” But this year…I think I want to be one of those idiots.  I want to make a list to better myself and I want to try to stick to it…I want the corny “New year, new me” ‘bullshit’ that everyone so ‘loves’. Lol.

2015 is over!!! Wheres my Rainbow???

I don’t even know where the year went, but when deciding to sit down and write, I realized it’s time for the annual “OMG the year is over, I’m so grateful” blog post. But before we go thanking the heavens for blessings and the end of another year, let’s just take a minute of silence for how INSANE this year was (I know I’m not alone, but I bet you I win).

Dirty Money and Bravado.

I’m a sourcing specialist – which means my most important KPI is to create savings for my company. So…I am paid to look at spreadsheets, analyze years of spend and information and say “Hey! Do you see that money in that pile of mud? I’m going to get it for us”.
My job has taught me to analyze a situation, to find a solution and to deal with risks, and it seems my life has begun to take that same shape – I’ve become a problem solver, not dwelling on pain, hardship or failure for too long…but rather finding the money through the mud. Within this mammoth task of finding gold beyond the slime – we’re also called to be very loud, firm and no nonsense kinda folk and because of that, I find myself wanting to share my opinion with the world, all the time.

A tribute to Faith-fill (ed) father

Yesterday, we had two main reasons to celebrate. The first was that 7 years ago, my dad stepped towards what he believed God was saying to him and started a church…the second was that he turns 60 years old today. There were a number of other celebrations, around Gods goodness, his blessing, providence and his faithfulness and we enjoyed the moments of grace together.However, for me, beyond these celebrations, i was honored to be able to give a gracious expression of words, to my dad, mum and their role in my life and the church. 
Surprisingly enough – this was not difficult to do and didn’t bring with it tears – instead it encourages me to throw around my words and give you insight into an area of my life which isn’t always displayed across these pages.  

“It’s all going to be okay” :)

The common courtesy for death is a paradoxical one for me. You see, what happens is that someone dies, and from the day of death, the deceased’s home becomes a hive of activity. Filled with food, support and bodies offering comfort in whatever way they know how. Calls. Messages. Flowers. Prayers and praises, it becomes a sudden surge of support. The family who have lost the loved one find themselves bombarded with love, slapped with comfort and what I would imagine to be a very uncomfortable display of reassurance that ‘everything will be okay’.