I’ve never been big on new year’s resolutions, I never do well with calculated social targets. I’ve lived most of my life at a YOLO pace where today happens and tomorrow will generally sort itself out. So every time the new year comes, I’m one of those “let’s wait and see what these idiots plan on changing for the first four months of the year.” But this year…I think I want to be one of those idiots. I want to make a list to better myself and I want to try to stick to it…I want the corny “New year, new me” ‘bullshit’ that everyone so ‘loves’. Lol.
I remember going to a church service many moons ago, it was the kind of service where the preacher speaks directly to you, (you know that one?) every word pierces into the depths of your dirty soul and calls for you to change and realize the errors of your way. Anyway, during this service the sermon series was called “Meeting, Dating and mating” and focused on those three stages on a relationship – as I listened intently to the Godly order for relationships (light bulb!!!), and I vowed to change the way I viewed these very difficult stages, the preacher said “if you keep doing what you’ve done, you will keep getting what you’ve got.”. WHOA! At the time I remember those words slapping me across the cheek. Suddenly every rubbish male I had met in my lifetime (which are numerous) made perfect sense…because I kept doing what I did, I kept getting what I got. And I got rubbish! Lol. The truth is…(no offence to any of the guys I’ve dated, met or been with)…but as I stand at the end of 2015 I realize that the slap I received in that church from the words clearly wasn’t hard enough – because I was still doing what I was doing and STILL getting what I got.
So what have I got?
In terms of my infamous love life…I don’t even have words, I got a few cheaters, those scumbags kept resurfacing in new forms always with the same 1.5 – 2 year timeline.
I got a really old guy who was scared of commitment…I mean really? After all those years, death is more imminent than the chances of you ever being able to bag a younger, fresher version than me.
I got a few younger ones – so much fun, only momentarily – they’re full of emotion and have a whole lot to learn about being gentlemen…! Errrm, I got some baby mama, ex girlfriend, current girlfriend (whoops) and “I don’t know her” drama…drama in any form is exhausting…we don’t need that going into the new year.
Yesterday morning I woke up to the most amazing article, (Read it here: http://www.brookeputney.us/a-letter-to-every-young-girl-if-he-wont-someone-else-will/). This was another one of those “I got slapped” moments and as I read each word, I had a fairy dancing around in my head and belly as if suddenly all the lights were turned on and the music turned up.. Now I’ve had “ah-ha” moments before but this one was all that my soul needed. It spoke to my heart and told her to be patient, it told her that love doesn’t require settling, it told me about my worth and my past pain. It told me that love is waiting and that gentlemen are REAL and deeper conversations feed your soul…”Our problem today is that we are settling. We are settling for men that hold doors behind them instead of in front of them. We are settling for surface level relationships when we should be seeking deeper conversations, deeper moments. We are settling for, “talking,” for “things” when we should have an, “if you know, you know, let’s do something about this or I’ll be on my way,” kind of mindset.”
As I read through every single paragraph it made me feel like my ‘getting what I got’ was over, like the article was sent at the exact and most perfect moment and that 2016 would bring with it a perfect gentleman, whose conversations spoke to my brain and whose eyes saw my soul…but I also realized I have to stop my “doing what I did”…and that’s the hardest part.
I spent the year falling in love with who I am, growing in strength and beginning to understand the way my head and heart work together. I learnt about my own heart and its magnitude. But I haven’t learnt how to change, I haven’t begun to understand where the “doing what I did” ends. I’m not sure I understand what exactly I “did” and what I keep “doing” which keeps me getting what I got. You with me here?
But anyway, I’m going to go out on a whim and say that my ability to see ‘potential’ beyond his current situation is maybe my first flop. We are NOT responsible for the success, expectant potential or repair of any single person except ourselves. I am responsible for my own success, I am responsible for my achievements and I am responsible for my own progress.
Secondly, I need to stop justifying unacceptable behavior or traits for the sake of ‘love’ or like or whatever girly emotion I can attach to the insanity, or begin to believe that he will change…the only man you can change, is one in diapers. Love him as he is, flaws and all, or don’t go down the road. This has a great deal to do with my ability to love so completely that the things I really DON’T want a part of my future, I accept, because I imagine they will ‘fall away’ with the new wind…unlucky sunshine, wind don’t move concrete.
Finally I need to learn that things end…it’s just the way life goes. Relationships, friendships, pain, heartache…zonke, it will end and I will live. Heart break was only lethal in Shakespeare’s day, today we live, beyond heart ache, beyond diseases, beyond a whole lot more than we think we can survive. I have a hard time putting FULL STOPS on things. Walking away unaffected by THEIR mess is something I’m not capable of doing. So for 2016…I’ll remember that sunsets are proof that endings can be beautiful too and heartache means that you are capable of great love🙂
In terms of work.
I’m so driven that I see nothing else, I see success over the mountain, I see pots of gold in my future and personalized stationery. In my race to the labelled door I tend to walk through the workplace like a nerd at school, books covering my view, tainted glasses and a nerd speed walk past everyone, making no real contact or solid friendships. In 2016 I need to work on being less “employee” and more Carla, because life is sweeter with friendship, and the greatest learning come from speaking, listening and drawing from each other.
And finally my loved ones…
I’m the worst person at keeping in touch, I know birthdays because of Facebook, I call back and never first, my chatting ability doesn’t go on for much longer than 20 minutes and letting people know when I’m ‘safe’ is something almost impossible for me to get right.
What I’m continuously learning is those “I’m safe” texts help my mother sleep better at night, birthday messages mean that I took a second out of my day to think about important people, having a chat to fill my friends in on how life is in big bad Jozi makes them feel more at ease about my “solitary lifestyle”, and the occasional “i’m good” means that I’m smiling, and growing and learning and loving life…and very far from hanging from a chandelier or rocking in a corner…:) hehe…okay that was dramatic.
Last year was the year of authenticity, where I wrote about working on real friendships, ending old ones and viewing people with their pasts and better understanding their makeup (AUTHENTIC POST) The truth is, I did exactly that. I started new friendships which make me smile, I rekindled lost friendships which I find soul fulfilling and necessary, I lost a lot of friends and I strengthened my already REAL bonds with my corpse cleaners. Moving away put my friendships and loved ones into the clearest perspective for me – my corpse cleaners (Definition explained here: CORPSE CLEANERS) are becoming more real to me, I appreciate their never ending support, constant encouragement and love. My family is the closest thing to me and the year made me realize the importance of the support of family, the unconditional love of parents and the special relationship that only sisters share.
But hey…my day is done and it’s time to begin celebrations of the ending of this soul draining, mind altering, insanely, torturous year which taught me so much. It’s time to drink to a new start and a new me (idiot!) …
To never getting what I previously got, to being friendlier and talking to people through my nerd glasses and to my people who have made the wave of 2015 a bearable one.
I wish you all renewed love of yourselves, continued fulfilling relationships and the strength to never settle for the rest.
I wish you corpse cleaners who will remind you that friendship makes life sweeter and the strength of numbers makes any struggle easier to bear. I wish you belly aching laughter, exciting love stories and real relationships.
“May you be fulfilled in your love, your work and your friendships and may your faith be strengthened through your trials. May 2016 be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful. And don’t forget to make some art – write, or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself. “
Happy New Year Gorgeous people!